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The Walks of Life
James Wysong · July 2, 2004

Moving through the airport on any given day can seem like an arduous or mundane task but have you ever noticed the many different varieties of airport walks there are out there?

First, there is the ever-popular I-am-Late-for-My-Flight Gallop. This is the one where all humility and grace are lost. It is the sweat-pouring, hair's-a-mess, bumping-into-anyone-in-their-path scramble.

It used to be called pulling an OJ Simpson, but that is now reserved for quite a few other things. The only thing worse than being trampled by this person is sitting next to him or her on the airplane as the sweat undoubtedly reminds you of the need for travel antiperspirant.

The Cell Phone Shuffle - No urgent destination, just shuffling along and talking. Meanwhile, a trail of late-flighters are behind them, trying to get by, fantasizing where they'd like to put that phone. One more thing to note on this point, do cell phone users think that the other people around them can't hear their side of the conversation? Think about this the next time you're talking about the details of a recent enema.

The Gate Dysfunctional Stammer - These are the people who seems to stop and stare at every gate and flight information monitor in the airport making sure they don't pass their flight. Most of the time they start looking around Gate 10 while their flight is a mile down the concourse in the 70's. It is especially frustrating if you are forced to walk behind them for any length of time.

The I-Hate-My-Travel-Agent Cadence - This is a slow but decisive directional walk with attitude which is due to the travel agent having booked an extremely long airport wait between flights. Either that or they missed their tightly scheduled connections and have to wait for the next flight five hours later.

The Blue Polyester Story Group Migration - This is where a flight attendant is telling a story on the way to a flight and everyone else in the group wants to hear. Add their suitcases with wheels and you have quite a tough obstacle to get around. I have seen giraffe migrations move faster.

The Center-of-the-Universe March - This is where the person heading towards you refuses to alter his direction and expects the other people to move. I always try to maintain my heading but flinch out of the way at the last second. Then there is the complete opposite to the previous one, the dance. This is where the person heading towards you moves to avoid you and you move in the same direction to avoid the person. When it happens more than two corrections, you're dancing.

The Maternal Movement - This is the mother who has three small kids and four huge bags. She manages to deafen all who pass with her high-pitched screams to her kids, which undoubtedly makes people reconsider their plans for procreation. "Johnny, I said no! Johnny, what did I say?"

The Baywatch Bounce - When you are late for a flight and undoubtedly forget about certain restrictions you may have in life. Some women with big chests aren't used to running in the attire that they may be wearing. When the concourse is full and she comes running down the terminal, you can bet that many eyes are bouncing with her. I must be getting older as it doesn't intrigue me as much as it makes me wince at the pain that sometimes must be involved

Last but not least, we have the Seat Picker. No, not the one who chooses where to sit. This is the one who has undoubtedly been flying for many hours and deems it necessary to walk and readjust the underclothes that have obviously been swallowed up by his or her bottom. What is the old saying? "You can pick your friends but don't pick your seat" - or was that "nose"? Whatever it is, don't do it in front of me or the hundred passengers behind you. Please head for the bathroom.

All of us thank you.

James Wysong has worked as a flight attendant with two major international carriers during the past fifteen years. He is the author of the "The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet" and "The Air Traveler's Survival Guide." For more information about Frank or his books, see his Web site or e-mail him.