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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Deplane Truth
James Wysong · December 14, 2004

Are you frustrated by the boarding and deplaning torture the airlines put you through?

The airlines are trying to cut costs while trying to be your carrier of choice. I don't have a problem with that, but it's when the airlines spend a bundle of money only to piss off their passengers that I have to step in and say something.

Many carriers have researched, tinkered with, and spent millions on the most effective way to board an aircraft. The turnaround times for flights are decreasing, so speed is of the essence.

So some genius comes up with the idea of boarding by zones. It sounds more efficient until you realize the zones are announced from the front of the aircraft to the back, thus the lines are eventually longer than before. Then, adding insult to injury, a gate agent gets on the PA yelling at you to sit down as if it is your fault if they are delayed.

I understand that first class should be allowed to board at their leisure. But common sense would entail the back zones of the aircraft be called initially. This would create less of a line on the Jetway while Mr. and Mrs. Neverfly try to fit their oversized armoire in an overhead bin.

Am I missing something here?

Now at the other end of the spectrum, the process of deplaning can only be described as one big ugly mess. Get up in a hurry, grab your bags from the overhead bins, throw any and all trash on the ground, and wait for the slow line of people to get off.

It's the old "hurry-up-and-wait" - minus the manners. Most people are grumpy, tired and probably not using caution when getting their bags from overhead. Then there is always that one passenger who puts his bags several rows back and insists on holding everyone up while retrieving them.

You have been in a metal cylindrical tube with wings for a few hours, enduring crying babies, loud neighbors and uncomfortable seats. Now, it's time to get off.

If you want to save yourself a lot of stress and frustration, remain seated. Put on your headphones; listen to music, and watch. It's a ballet of characters and interesting acrobatics. People are naturally amusing, and the music adds a special touch to this comedy of life.

It's like an adlib performance of synchronized swimmers. Of course, everyone will look at you oddly while you laugh at them. Who cares? You'll probably never see them again, and you have saved yourself ten to twenty blood pressure points.

In line, most people end up waiting and complaining. You must also take into account that everyone getting up at once may produce an undesirable symphony of smells. The delays can get quite lengthy while you're standing next to the person that you have wanted to strangle the whole flight.

The wait becomes unbearable if the Jetway breaks down or the airline doesn't catch your early or late arrival. It is then practically impossible to sit back down because everyone and their bags are in the aisle. The people who get up right away will, at most, beat you to the terminal by only a couple of minutes.

The way I look at it, you've been in your seat for several hours. What are a few more minutes?

James Wysong has worked as a flight attendant with two major international carriers during the past fifteen years. He is the author of the "The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet" and "The Air Traveler's Survival Guide." For more information about Frank or his books, see his Web site or e-mail him.