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To Air is Human
James Wysong · July 11, 2004

Since it is peak travel season, I believe it is high time to talk about the body's true whoopee cushion.

As a flight attendant, I've been warned to avoid this personal subject as something that should be recognized but not spoken of (unless in jest). Although I feel that if they can come out with products such as the Flatulence Filter, then I believe it's a topic worthy of some discussion. (Don't believe me? Here's the ad.)

Cutting the cheese, spliffing, farting, seeing the man about some methane, whatever you want to call it - everyone does it. But - and I do mean butt - some more than others.

When it comes to boarding an airplane though, things can get tricky.

You've been to a foreign destination. Your diet and nutrition table went out the window and you decided to try new cuisine. You tried yeast beer in Germany, tasted a new recipe for cabbage. Or maybe you just descended from a genetically airy family.

Whatever the excuse, air travel doesn't mean the same as traveling with air.

There are ways of dealing with these situations effectively. In my book, I defined the art of "crop dusting" as walking up the aisle and passing gas. It may have sounded as if it was a practice I condoned, but it was merely stating a reality for both passengers and crew.

The best suggestion I can give is to let the lavatories do their magic. Merely sit down, do your thing and flush at the same time. The massive air suction that the toilet provides is ample to eradicate any amount of brussels sprouts. The other piece of advice is that if you are prone to such outbursts, than bring along some neutralizing medication.

Frank's recommendation is GasX. Another hint is if you know that you shouldn't be eating something and you are within hours of air travel, simply put, don't. The air pressure up in the sky, matched with the building air pressure inside your body, is no fight you want to pick. You will lose - and so will everyone else around you.

I was a first-class passenger on a flight where we had a mystery gasser. It got so bad that most everyone had to stuff tissues up their noses. Most passengers assumed it was from a 300-pound man snoring away in the corner, but when it got so bad a flight attendant went way beyond the call of duty and did some nostril investigation.

She was able to determine that the offender was a well-dressed non-revenue passenger on the other side of the cabin. She questioned him, and when he finally came clean, his excuse was, "Yes, it's me. I can't help it so deal with it." Meanwhile the restroom was never occupied and nothing impeded his utilizing the facilities.

The flight attendant paused a second and then responded, "I have a small piece of advice for you sir, next time, clench."

Applause rang through the cabin, and the businessman caught the hint. So in the words of a wise flight attendant, utilize the appropriate facilities, get a flatulence filter. Or clench.

All of us in your general vicinity thank you.

James Wysong has worked as a flight attendant with two major international carriers during the past fifteen years. He is the author of the "The Plane Truth: Shift Happens at 35,000 Feet" and "The Air Traveler's Survival Guide." For more information about Frank or his books, see his Web site or e-mail him.